I shuffle slowly, ever closer to the edge. The metal girders of the bridge firm beneath my soft soled shoes. My mind is racing and my stomach churning, thinking of my loved ones, wondering if they know I love them, hoping they won’t be angry at what I’m about to do. I’m all alone on the edge and shuffle a little further out. It is a crisp autumn day, not a cloud in the sky and not a doubt in my mind.
I have driven out here alone, parked away from the site and walked to my final destination, enjoying the sun on my face, giving myself one last chance to think it through and I’m convinced it is the right thing.
There’s that slight nip in the air that you get this time of year, making you put a sweater on, then immediately regretting it as soon as you get moving. I’m thankful now for the sweater, I wouldn’t want to be shivering too, as I stand listening to my inner dialogue. I’m scared, who wouldn’t be, but resolute.
I look up at the sun and bask in its warmth for few seconds. Then turn my attention to the river running fast below me. It’s full after the recent rain and brown from roiling around the huge rocks jutting above the surface.
I look at the autumn foliage covering the slopes and coming down to the water’s edge. Glorious. I’m pulled back into the here and now by a young man, asking if I’m OK. I’m too choked up to talk all of a sudden and determined to complete what I came here to do. I don’t want him hassling and challenging me. I simply nod and he relaxes a little.
I close my eyes, make a silent wish to the universe that all will be well, then taking the young man by surprise I tip forward and drop – my arms outspread, head first towards the water, towards my fate.
The fall is eerily quiet after the hubbub behind me on the bridge, my surroundings surprisingly distinct and I have time to notice an eagle soaring over the canyon, is it he that has given me the final bit of courage I needed. As I fast approach the water I have no regrets, I feel free, freer than I have in a long, long time. I’m just hoping that this isn’t going to hurt.
I have a final thought of my family, would it have been better to have chosen a lower bridge, or even a higher one? And then all I can see is the water and I close my eyes.
Suddenly there is a jolt around my ankles and I’m pulled up and away from the water, briefly. There is a moment of absolute stillness, then I fall again. Another tug, gentler this time, and again, until finally I’m neither falling or rising, just twirling on the end of a rope, awaiting my rescuers.
I feel completely overwhelmed and totally exhilarated. Right now I want to do it all again but I’m sure reality will set in and convince me otherwise. I’m so proud of myself, I felt the fear and did it anyway.
Image courtesy of: thedailyanthi